Humiliation

We’ve all faced it at one time or another.  We’ve all had to deal with it to a greater or lesser degree.

The movie industry thrives on it because it creates the best/worst tension in a plot:  How does the main character handle it?  Will they rise above it or be defeated by it?  In the teen flicks they have to rise above it, of course, but in real life most don’t.

We rarely get over those humiliating remarks because they shape our futures in subtle and obvious ways.  Some people change behaviors or expressions to adapt and thrive, others end up sinking deeper into the stereotype others have written for them.  A few actually just ignore the whole thing and move on to live.  I would like to say that I’m the latter but I’m still reacting to painful memories.  On the other hand, I don’t know how to adapt, yet I don’t know how to sink either.  I guess I’m a little stupid that way.

One of the churches I attend is mixed racially.  I’ve learned much about the problems between races but the one common thread is the debilitating, demeaning and totally excruciating humiliation by the powerful over the less fortunate.  It seems that those in power cannot wield their authority with commonsense or decency but must humiliate their victims, I mean, subjects, to the nth degree.  I don’t know why because it makes no sense.

I remember my dad used to say that if a man acted like a man, he treated him like a man; if he acted like a dog, then he got treated like a dog.  He was talking about race here.  I grew up with all sorts of friends because my folks weren’t segregated in attitude about friendships.  But they remained rather old school about it at the same time.  It was like they were progressive for their day though hesitant about complete acceptance.

Once in high school I sat in a Bible class discussion group barely able to keep my eyes open.  I had worked at my job late the night before and was pretty sleepy after lunch, which was when the class began.  Anyway, I didn’t take part in the discussion much because I was just too groggy to care, when out of the blue the teacher came over and asked how we were doing.  A guy across from me said,  “Fine!  But Varnell (me) over there is looking like himself…”  Then he grinned big expecting the group to laugh.  I was so blank that I couldn’t do anything but stare at him numbly and wish to say something cutting back.

The teacher looked back and forth between us, while the other kid began to laugh nervously, then said,  “Well, it looks like things are going fine here.”  and walked off.  The other boy never cut me down like that again.  In fact, we became sort of friends after that.

But I learned a lesson that day:  Staring down an opponent works quite well, as does silence.  I haven’t used it much since I read Mad magazine’s One Thousand and One Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, but I learned that it worked to reverse the humiliation.  Up to that point all I had done was wish to God that I could melt into the floor or disappear to Neverland.

I’ve humiliated others, mostly by accident, and rarely intentionally, because the act of humiliating another brings back the memory of what it felt like, so I avoid that as much as possible.  In fact, I always try to apologize if I even think I’ve done this to someone else.  Yet there’s another reason too:  I hate it when I see the pain of it all rise in their eyes.  It kills me to think that I caused such a thing to someone else.  The guilt is unbearable too, which explains why I’ve become such a softy toward the outcasts and marginalized, I guess.  I’ve been there a time or two and it feels awful, so I won’t inflict this pain on anyone else purposely…

I guess once we accept ourselves for who we are, we’re able and willing to accept others.  I like the differences in other people.  I seem to adapt to them or find ways of seeing it through different eyes or something because they fascinate me to no end.

The next time we’re tempted to humiliate someone else, think:  Why am I doing this?  Is it just to make myself feel superior?  Because the truth is none of us are any better or worse in worth than anybody else–no matter what popular opinion tells us.  All of us are worth infinitely more than we know and no more in that value than anyone else on earth. 

If we valued each other as much as we would want to be valued, what would the world be like?

Tags: love, humiliation, self-worth, valued, kindness