Shaken, Not Stirred

I don’t believe in people being totally self-realized.  If we are always growing, we are always changing; if we are always changing and adjusting, then we cannot always know that person we will be in ten years or even less.  This doesn’t mean, however, that we don’t have some idea of who we are at the moment or can’t predict generally what our tastes might be, given what we already know to be true.  What it does mean is that if we truly want to be become more ourselves, we must grow.

No one comes out of the womb knowing everything they need to know, it’s physically, mentally and spiritually impossible.  Yet almost to a person we all think that at some point we “arrive” at maturity and will, somehow, not have to do any more.  This is a gross misunderstanding of what it means to be “mature”.

Not only do we have to continuing growing throughout our lifetime, if we don’t, we will stagnate, harden then become characatures of ourselves.  I’ve seen people do this so often that it scares the hell out of me to let myself go there.

Maturity is about taking responsibility for one’s own.  A person who is “self-realized” takes responsibility for not only their successes or failures, but their growth in all of the areas needed.  Realizing we need growth is the first step to maturity.

Remember those kids in school who would exclaim,  “Oh, you’re so immature!”?

They were reacting to an image of maturity not the actual reality of it.  I was taught that an adult acted a certain way, worked a specific way and identified themselves with certain societal norms.  What I mean is this:  As I was growing up, an adult went to school (trade school or university didn’t matter), got a career for life and bought a house, got married and had a family.  The expectations of this were not lost on me because they are, in a sense, the natural order of things.  What I didn’t like was the cookie cutter method they drove home.

We don’t all have to style our hair the same to be mature.  We don’t have to wear the same style of clothes, work the same type of jobs or be married with children to be mature.  Maturity is taking responsibility for one’s choices and not passing the buck.  A person who is self-realized, adult and ready to face the world isn’t one who is static and unchangable but adaptable, fluid to a point and ready for anything.  If they don’t have the tools at hand to work out a specific situation, they find them through creative endeavor or other people in their community.

This is maturity in its rawest, truest and most realized form.

Anyone who is truly alive, in every nuance of that word, must expect to be shaken up from time to time.  Many times life simply stirs the pot a bit to get the meat off the bottom, but when it really shakes things up, we need to see this as a good thing rather than a curse.  How we face our change reveals our level of maturity.

I’m not merely speaking of how we react to disaster because that’s a different issue altogether as far as I’m concerned.  Rather it’s more about the common happenstance which the world and local situations bring to us.  A person who chooses marriage, chooses to be committed to all that entails.  This doesn’t remain static either, for if both people are mature, the relationship will grow and change.  How they handle this change determines their level of maturity.

I hate the the most common reason for divorce which is “irreconcilable differences”.  Now this might be true for some but not for everyone who cites it as a reason.  Differences should never be completely irreconcilable because that suggests that we are unwilling to adjust to our growing reality.  I had one girlfriend complain that I had changed in the short time since we dated, and I just couldn’t help but laugh.  What I did was adjust some of my habits to fit her.  I didn’t change my entire personality but adjusted those things which drove her nuts and moderated them.  I would do this for a job, why not a relationship?

Adjustments never mean that we have lost whatever it is we have changed up, rather it means we might add or subtract elements to fit the conditions better.  Adaptation to environmental conditions are expected when living in extreme climates, right?  Why not relationships?

When we think we cannot be adjusted or changed for the sake of a relationship, then we need to leave it alone.  Just like for climates, we have to decide whether or not we can take the heat or cold or whatever weather/environment presents itself, before we decide to live there.  This is true self-realization and maturity.

Love is a choice not an emotion.  A principle not a romantic notion.  When we say we choose to love, we do so for a lifetime.

I’m divorced.  When I took my vows to love, honor and cherish, I meant them, therefore I will continue to do so even though I cannot treat my ex as a wife anymore.  Yet I will continue to love, honor and cherish her as my son’s mother, all the while recognizing the traits in her which made me want to marry her in the first place.  This doesn’t mean that I will trust her with my heart or fall in love with her again, though not impossible, it’s not probable, practical or safe.  What it does mean is that I keep my word and do everything in my power to remain faithful to those vows within the new paradigm.

Maturity knows when to move on.  It knows when we are beating a dead horse trying to get it to run, so to speak.  Yet it also fights for what is important and doesn’t surrender until all known options have been tried.  The mature, however, know when to surrender, when the situation has become so hopeless that anymore effort is fruitless and foolish.

Love never fails; situations do, relationships do, life does, and so do we.  Realizing this fact is maturity.

Tags: divorce, love, marriage, mature, maturity, relationships, vows