The “what I want to be” question is laconically jovial about itself for me right now and kinda’ idylic about getting there, not so with the “who”. The “Who” knows itself now better than ever; though it’s oddly detached in some ways but intensely interested all the same. It’s something I’ve recognized since I was a teen worrying about being the real “me” no holds barred and trying to fit in.
For example, I’ve always enjoyed Olivia Newton John’s voice and songwriting. As a teen, I couldn’t really confess this or I would have been laughed out of the room or derided as a sell out to pop music. The truth is I’m not a sell out of any kind, I just like all styles of music and am a hopeless romantic. If you read the lyric to most of my songs, you’ll see the truth of this statement. I can’t help it, it’s how I’m wired, and quite frankly I see no reason to be different.
At 19 or 20 I decided to go with the actual Jonathan rather than worry about the opinions friends who were struggling with their own identities–just like me. So I opted for the open-faced-say-anything-stream-of-consciousness person I felt comfortable with…Unfortunately, this got me in no end of trouble and caused misunderstandings with those who don’t practice openness as a way of living. I ended up apologizing or explaining myself to people who would never understand and seemed to never want to.
As the years went by, I got involved in relationships that both supported and fought this open handed method. I would tell my friends right out of the starting gate that I tended to say what I thought, though there was no condemnation in my honesty. My girlfriends liked it at first because, as you might guess, here was a man who actually spoke his emotions and communicated, cool! But they tired of it soon because they realized that I meant I what said about being the musician and bohemian they met. What people saw and still see on first meeting is what they get, though I’m not responsible for their perceptions or take on it.
I’m still waiting for that woman who enjoys being around my type of personality, loves the challenge of not only who I am but that liquid improvisational thinking and acting. I’m not talking about impulsive behavior but adaptation. I believe in foundations for living, but a good weather-worthy boat can be just as foundational as house built on cliff near the sea. One just drifts off course more than the other.
But who sets the course of our lives anyway? We can dictate certain things by choices yet never others–e.g. disasters in the weather, drunk drivers, etc. I can choose to move somewhere but not ever arrive due to the unknown. All I have control over is my ability to choose at this point, and, barring dementia of some kind, I control who I am to a point.
I don’t mind those who have a life plan set and figured out, it’s more that those who require us all to have the same plan frustrate and alarm me. I just don’t see the need to be like everyone else if I’m not inclined by nature already or preference to be so.
Who we become is up to us once we grow past the influences of parents, extended family and local friendships. The field is wide open at this juncture to become who we desire to be; to reinterpret ourselves if we like and change those things we don’t like. But that essential “us” can never be changed without major surgery. One can stop having a big nose or high cheek bones by surgery but this doesn’t change who we really are, it merely adjusts the facade people see.
I prefer people to be themselves because I wish the same thing for myself. I believe all of us are far more interesting and enjoyable to be around if we become the unique entity we are designed to be. Where we must be cautious is in how we interpret being ourselves. A person who is violent or rude isn’t being themselves for these things are affectations or uncontrolled behaviors which can be adjusted at will. Those who are direct speakers should remain so with the adjustment of being considerate of others curbing their more harsh judgments. That they have them is not a problem rather how they express them.
Our tastes are our tastes. The necessities of being human dictate certain things, of course, such as we must have a greater proportion of fruits, vegetables and grains to meat products in our diet to be healthy, but these are wiring issues not merely personal identity. Personal identity dictates whether we prefer apples to pears or grapefruit to oranges; whether our bodies are more alkaline or acidic and what we actually find more favorable: savory or sweet. The combinations of which show up in the “who” about us.
Just like my tastes ranged from Olivia Newton John to Deep Purple to obscure progressive jazz/rock fusion groups like UK or Gong, our tastes and loves reveal our identity. In this we should be celebrated and encouraged rather than ostracized and derided. In these distinctive traits we should celebrate ourselves so that we can also celebrate the same uniqueness in others.
How well we accept ourselves will dictate how well we can accept others.
Tags: acceptance, character, diversity, identity, love, personality, preferences, tastes, traits
